Another Passing
And, why i feel a bit less stupid
Laura took the photo, hence her absence, but she looks as beautiful as always — ‘Thanksgiving 2023’
… I’m not writing an obit, just a note that Laura’s dad, Richard, passed the other morning, i guess it was Tuesday, life’s been a blur ever since. Laura took the photo the other week, on Thanksgiving; it’s our immediate family’s last time/experience with Richard. We did a simple heat-and-serve turkey dinner this year, i’m thankful for every bite of it, and every moment we shared together, that one last time, and for all the times before it… God speed Richard, you graduated… i’m proud of you, you left behind a ton of memories, and generations of lineage/legacy.
… As for the ‘why i feel less stupid’ thing… part of me was feeling pretty stupid about driving the old cars on a road-trip to bring Josiah home for the long holiday weekend, knowing damn well it was going to be insane traffic the whole time, and, considering my limited patience and attention-span, and using the crappy car for the last two legs of the trip… but there was something brewing in my stomach that said that the trip/adventure was all going to be worth it somehow… it was totally worth it, and i don’t feel quite as stupid for doing it now… we got the long-weekend together, and a good last memory with Grampa Klay… unfortunately, i still owe the swear-jar a couple grand from the road-trip, but i trust God’s forgiven that debt already. — ct
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just some notes from the blog leading up to the good/bad news of Richard’s passing… i make no apologies for my writing-style on the blog, i just try to write as i think/speak, not fancy, or for presentation:
12-04-23 more later: there is good news, and then bad news, which actually has good news with it, two good newseses... first bit of good news, the girls just made me laugh, i dug-out the fake Christmas-tree, and left it to them to pop-up, and decorate... in passing i hear two distinct lines... daughter-one 'there is a big empty spot over HERE', said with annoyance/frustration... daughter-two 'it's a twenty dollar tree that we got on sale years ago', delivered matter-of-factly, with near perfect comedic-timing... i can relate to both of them, sometimes the one, sometimes the other... but most of the time i know the frustration of the whole process, so i just volunteer to dig the boxes out of the crawl-space, and let the ladies fuss over the remaining details/stressors, i disassociate after i deliver my end of the bargain, i'd rather strain some back-muscles than screw-around with the frickin lights and the garland, and the hundred-thousand ornaments, many of which are tangled within the lights and garland... no thank you, i'd rather interrupt a couple of mating badgers than lay one finger on the contents of those dreaded plastic tubs full of christmassy things, those shiny, happy, sparkling things, i'd rather milk a grizzly than engage in decorating duty, that's totally not my jam...
... and then i have to come back to reality, and, the bad news... there is a loved-one that's passing soon, seems like it's going to be sooner than later, depending on treatment plans, or the forgoing of any... the sad news is that he is passing, but/and he is special, and he lived a good and decent life, full of up and downs, and all of the adventures that come with parenting four children, and a bunch of grand-children... there is bad/sad news for the survivors, but he seems to be at peace with his eminent-obvious expiration, which is where the second 'good news' comes around now... Kubler-Ross did a good job observing/categorizing/labeling steps/phases of grief, she made her observations with folks dealing with terminal illnesses (different than moral grief)... folks dealing with the terminal illnesses are the ones faced with reality, they are the ones that need to embrace reality, then it's up to us to try to catch-up to the reality that we can't control something that we really want to, the passing of a loved-one, it's the survivors who grieve, those who pass have already come to grips with their expiration/transition/passing... anyways, he seems to be pretty satisfied with his life and legacy and experiences and memories... he seems to be pretty satisfied with his maker, his spiritual 'relationship' with our creator... he seems to be at peace, i'm not sure if he really knows how close he really is, but he knows he is not going to get better, and seems to be at peace, which is good... i had some preparation/warning in the months/weeks/days/hours leading up to my mom's passing... accidents are different, they are like a rug getting pulled-out from under your feet, having some preparation, and seeing the loved-one embrace reality with peace is a bit of a gift, maybe a substantial one... the mission and story of Jesus made sense to him, so maybe that's a third 'good news', he is confident in his relationship with our Father, via the metaphoric sacrificial unblemished lamb... he mentioned his confidence, and that being a source of his peace... the next few months are going to be weird around here, weird in a sort of 'not-so-good' way, folks having to get used to certain things... praying for an easy transition period/season, with minimal grieving, and fond memories shared. -- ct [UPDATE: i can't believe he passed already, i was totally expecting a Christmas passing, but it happened within hours of this post, we got an early morning call that we responded to, and then were alerted of his passing when we were minutes from the hospital, it's a bit surreal in many ways... soliciting prayer for Laura and her family... God speed Richard, rest easy brother. -- ct]
12-06-23: i don't know what the other folks were thinking, the other folks in the hospital-room... i was thinking 'what is he doing right now', 'where are you, and exactly what are you doing', 'you are free in a new way now, how are you enjoying your new found freedom'... i'm a bit sad and all, but also proud of him, he was forward-thinking, not trying to change things that he couldn't change, he was comfortable/confident in his faith, which seemed to offer him plenty of peace as he finished out his final decades, years, months, weeks, until an unexpected sharp decline... i'm proud of the way that he transitioned into exactly whatever it is that happens next... and i wonder what he is doing right now, i don't think he is grieving very much, that's more of the unique thing that all of the survivors do in our individual way of coming to grips with reality, and all of the emotions and feelings that are expected during the worse of it, during the moments that are eventually turned to positive memories, and inner-peace... going to visit extended family today, i don't know what the other folks are doing today, i'm going to turn a screw-driver, i want to replace the outlet in the back bathroom that was just refinished/repaired, so i'm going to fix the crappy receptacle, the one that's both chipped, and partially painted, i've got a few spares laying around... i'm going to make sure the new fridge is plumb/level, the floor below it is compromised, and at an awkward looking angle now, i'm just going to make sure it's as level as possible until the sub-floor is replaced [UPDATE: i never touched the fridge]... i'll bring some food, and i'm selfishly going to make sure i get a steak-n-cheese down the street, they are awesome, and cheap money too, i won't be hungry for at least a day or two afterward.... anyways, still soliciting prayer for all concerned parties to embrace their grieving, and the emotions that go along with it, and that the widow's needs are prioritized, and being met during the transition-period... i'm going to turn a screw-driver for a bit, and see if the contractors left anything unfinished, or sketchy, and i probably need some shims for the fridge too, maybe. -- ct
12-06-23 later: i didn't bring a plate for the single decorum GFCI... i thought i was replacing a one for one, the thing i was replacing wasn't to code, it was duplex standard 15a outlet, and much too close to a water source to just replace one for one, it needed a protected outlet, or line... the breaker isn't extra-protected, so the outlet needs to be... it's a stupid split breaker, dual 15a, stupid manufactured homes, i wish it were 12g wire, and a 20 amp line (you know, hair-dryers and curling-irons and shit), but it's just a 15a circuit, so that's all it got for a gfci receptacle, a 15a jobber... i sort of thought about bringing the plates that i had laying around too, but i didn't, i knew it was duplex, and assumed the line was protected at the breaker level, and that i'd just be replacing a one for one thing... nope, guessed wrong... i should have listened to that instinct/thought that said 'maybe bring the plates too', but i didn't... should have given that thought a bit more priority... at least there is a new plug, it's up to code based on conditions and existing wire, it'll look nice when the new cover is in place, all bright and shiny. -- ct
12-06-23 laterer: got a single decorum plate at the local hardware store, the bathroom is legit upgraded and done, looks half-way decent too, it's not perfectly flush though, but it'll pass any official inspection... using my ‘nervous energy’ to do something useful that i’m capable of ‘fixing’ while the house is empty, that’s my motto of the day… OK, they are getting back home from making the funeral arrangements, and doing some other errands, gonna run. -- ct
12-07-23: i put this thing up on substack (it was actually just a hyper-link pointing to this substack post, but coming from my blog), but the posts above, the ones from the last few days, that might be about all i want to say about my experience of my father-in-law's passing/transition/graduation... i'm basically just being a presence for my wife, and her step-mom/widow, they are both doing remarkably well, he was 87, and exemplified peace, he was well past any grieving steps himself, he closed-out his physical life respectfully, and peacefully, with his wife by his side... like i said, Laura is doing petty well, she is organizing/articulating her thoughts/memories for something she wants to share at her dad's funeral... for someone who was such a 'daddy's-girl', she is doing remarkably well, so thanks for the prayers, and to Him who answers them. -- ct
12-08-23: is it really friday, what a week... weird events/stimuli really screw with my perception of time, every moment from going to bed Monday night, to right now, it still feels off... maybe it's too many memories that are stirring/resurfacing all at once that get's my noggin spinning, and all weird-like, maybe it's a memory-overload, not a sensory/stimuli overload (which is what i'm more accustomed to experiencing), maybe it's knowing that Richard exits in memory and spirit, and not a physical guy that you can share a chuckle with, maybe it's all of the memories that bleed time into some convergence, and overload, it's like you took a literal trip through time, with the memories of loved ones... maybe they do have their 'life flash before their eyes', i dunno, i don't know how it all works... but for survivors, we sort of have our memories and experiences that come to surface, so many and so fast, we sort of have 'their lives (memories) flashed before our eyes', maybe not... probably not, i’m wrong about plenty, but that's sort of how i've felt, in between the limited moments of sleep, while consuming entirely too much coffee, and hovering at various and limited levels of consciousness since Monday night, impaired by caffeine and sleep deprivation and overload/exhaustion... seems like i got a memory overload, while trying to be present for loved-ones, coming to grips with my emotions, and trying to figure out how to keep some forward progress while trying to embrace the moment, and reality... i think that's what i mean when i say that the past so many days have been a blur, they have been, my head has been in the clouds with memories, and the rest of me is trying to pull me back to the moment, back to reality, and the things that a guy needs to keep doing despite the weirdest few days ever... describe this sort of event anyway you prefer, i'm a big dummy, so i can only say that it was just plain 'weird', and that i'm glad Richard is in peace, and that his youngest daughter (and our off-spring), and his widow are doing remarkably well despite the weird week, which is a literal testament to their 'faith', and a relationship with our Father in heaven that is real, and founded in reality, despite what is seen, or unseen... Richard's peace, and his survivor's peace speak volumes of their authentic 'religion'... it's helped settle my soul a bit, witnessing folks that shared his faith rest in peace knowing he still lives, just differently now, unbound by physical constraint...
... OK… i got to get the ball rolling, my day started, i'm still in PJs, finishing the second mug of coffee, and complaining about the cold-drafty house... i need to go so i can complain about something else, i'm sure there are plenty of complain-worthy things around here, and i'll find them all. -- ct
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Sarah drew this the other day, it’s based off of one of her favorite pictures of Rich, sorry, i didn’t bother to crop it… she sketched it, then got coppies made on photo-paper for Aunties and Uncles, and a Widow:
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