A short post about a TV show that i like, and maybe a bit of a PSA…
I was watching an episode of 'Australian Alone' with the wife tonight. If you’re not familiar with the contest, ten contestants are allowed to bring a handfull of items to keep them alive completely off grid until the last contestant is standing, i think it’s a great survival-type of show, and a city-dweller can learn a lot from it. One of the contestants in this ‘Australian’ season--Chris--is an Australian Army Veteran, he speaks of PTSD struggles, and had at least one deployment (Iraq)... that topic brings back some memories, ODS wasn't a long deployment for me, it was just a few months, and i only exchanged gun-fire one time (the second time was a bit of a mistake), so i’ve always consider it an easy deployment... but here's the thing about 'ptsd' for combat-vets, there are a bunch of different things that can lead to a bunch of different symptoms which we clump together under the umbrella of ‘PTSD’... one of the things for me is not being able to regulate or, 'turn off' hyper-vigilance, and then getting over-stimulated/sensory-overload as a result, you can get the anxiety and blood-pressure up pretty good as a result... hyper-alertness is great when you are in a threatening environment (i’m a bit conditioned for security), but, it can really suck when you just want to relax somewhere--i can understand/appreciate why many vets go off-grid and disassociate from society, being in over-stimulating environments isn't healthy for some folks -- so, not being able to turn that security-thing off is part of my ptsd-ailment... and another thing is insomnia, only privileged members of the armed forces don't have to do 'fire-watch', or 'guard-duty', or, whatever the hell you want to call it when you get woken out of a sound sleep to make sure that your camp doesn't get over-run/attacked for an hour or two while you have to protect it—and, to keep the fire stoked during the cold months... some folks recover/adjust-well from that, i don't know if i ever did, i used to self-medicate with alcohol off and on over the years, even when i had my proverbial 'shit together' from a psychological perspective, i used the wine to help get tired enough to fall asleep, and then eventually i learned to drink enough to make sure that i didn't just get sleepy, but that i passed-out in a relatively controlled manner... sleep is still something that i struggle with, sometimes it's falling asleep, sometimes i wake up and can't fall back asleep, sometimes i'm congested and not breathing well, sometimes i have to wake to pee, sometimes i can't get a thought out of my head and fervently trying to figure something out, sometimes the hyper-alertness collides with hyper-vigilance and i'm listening intently for threats that probably aren't even around (just the crickets), sometimes i get crazy realistic dreams where i feel like i need to react to them, but i can't, i can only observe, and so i wake-up trying to figure that out... i dunno, sleep is mostly a frustrating, yet necessary endeavor, unless i pop an ambien, and even they don't give me a consistent length of sleep, just a good solid chunk of it, i don't dream much on the sleeping Rx either (at least i don't think so), usually/only when the medicine starts to wear-off in the early morning...
… and then the veteran guy on Alone also mentioned 'depression'... depression sucks, it's sort of like when you get stuck in this constant thought-pattern where you give far more attention to things that you can't possibly change, some vets deal with remorse/guilt and wishing that maybe they didn't do certain things in the past that aren't quite acceptable actions/behavior to their current ideal/morals/ethics, but the depression can lead also to suicide, which typically causes much more problems than solutions… sometimes depression is based on trauma, sometimes it's shattered expectations that you couldn't change, even though everything within you wishes that you could have dictated some other outcome, and it's hard to imagine a better future sometimes, sometimes a better future seems impossible to the suffering soul... experiences and hind-sight can be a blessing or a curse, depending on what filter you are analyzing it from, but even totally shitty experiences can be turned into good eventually, even if it's just helping someone else that's going through the ringer, you might even be well-equipped to sing the blues, but those are just a couple of things that former grieving people have to offer the world, we actually have a lot more to offer once we start getting healthy again... i'd like to say that i've embraced and moved past all of the old traumas, but there are some that i still don't want to fully re-visit… and even the ones that i speak transparently about still can get a flutter out of my heart, and the blood-pressure to climb when i'm not expecting it...
… i don't know what to tell the reader that might experience some of these symptoms, i guess i can tell you that embracing, owning, and recovering from certain traumas, and grieving, is more of a slow process for many folks... i've become a fan of 'talk-therapy', i spoke with a guy from a local 'Vet-Center' a year or two ago, and that guy was a blessing like you wouldn't believe... sometimes religious leaders are great for talk-therapy, no doubt, and sometimes you might need a credentialed therapist that also happens to be a Veteran that can sort of relate to some of your struggles... Vet-Centers are not 'the VA', vet-centers can share information with the VA for health-record concerns if you want them to, but folks that haven't had great experiences working with mental-health professionals in the VA-system shouldn't confuse the two entities, vet-centers are different... with that said, if you don't get a good vibe from a therapist you probably want to consider others, you won’t get great results with one you don’t feel comfortable with... another barrier to successful talk therapy is whether or not you are actually ready to have successful therapy, not everyone who could use therapy is an 'active participant', part of therapy should involve you embracing some aspect of reality that you weren't quite considering/observing/computing, or just a good healthy reminder for you, but some folks don't ever consider that they should change in any way/shape/form, even if they are stuck in regular unhealthy habits/routines, not everyone that could benefit from some decent therapy is willing to do their part in getting healthier, similar to the principle that not every sinner is willing to confess and repent of their sin--some folks don't want their sins/shit on display, hearts open for others to see.—i get it, but embracing reality and getting healthy requires honesty and transparency...
… Anyways, it was interesting listening to the Aussie Vet named Chris talk openly about some of his struggles... the experience of Alone Australia might be some good therapy for him, it might offer a great opportunity for him to really connect with our Creator, and get re-centered/re-calibrated, and considering a more healthy future, and opens his soul for a deeper healing… i hope so... God bless. -- ct