01-30-24: had another shit-night's sleep, Jon's observation and exercise of proper discernment regarding a sleep-study is appreciated, i definitely stop breathing, sometimes before i'm even asleep... i was crazy tired by 21:00, went to bed, and didn't take the Rx... i startled myself awake from the breathing at least a dozen times when dozing off, who knows how many times when i finally did fall asleep... by 23:40 i was all kinds of tired and frustrated, and back in the kitchen popping an ambien... not sure when i fell asleep, but i know it eventually happened... anyways... today is overcast, maybe one could say 'gloomy' kind of day, and trying to wake-up to an acceptable level of consciousness seems like a fool's errand, i can look at the k-cups all morning long, but all of them brewed together isn't going to put a dent in my situation, they are sadly reduced to tiny reward-pods of tasty mud, but completely lacking the therapeutic qualities that i have come to expect/rely-on after so many decades... the promise of caffeine's rewards gone like a violent storm, taking all of my expectations along with it... but, i did nail the cream to sugar ratio this morning, so at least it still tastes great. -- ct
01-30-24 later: if you read the post above you can probably imagine some of the reasons why i do not function at high-levels for any great lengths of time, let's call it a bit of a handicap... i still don't have the best regulation of certain hormones, but i'll tell you that just taking one--somewhat adequate--Rx for sleep has actually reduced the need for three other Rx's that i was taking far too long after their efficacy for my health. i suppose my frustration should be with some healthcare providers for not pushing a sleep-study on me years ago, maybe it's easier to push institutional-approved laboratory-contrived molecules... but, in their defense, most folks/patients probably want ‘easy’, so we’d rather take a pill than be told that we have to make some difficult lifestyle, nutritional changes, and to have to put some hard work into it... my unprofessional diagnosis is that i'm addicted to comfort, and the path of least resistance, meaning 'laziness'… some of it is personality (intj-t that can't suffer inefficiency), probably emotions (occasionally i present some), and much of it is physical as well (over-worked joints and muscles), and i’m probably missing some supplementation more suitable for epigenetic considerations... the physical issues fuel the emotions/thoughts/actions/deeds... physical effects emotions when an athletic person loses physical abilities, it's like some ontological-shock, most folks will go through an entire cycle of grief over losing a loved-one, when you have physical gifts/tools, and then are side-lined either for the season, or for good, you grieve yourself, you grieve the loss of life as you've only/always ever known it, Kubler-Ross would be proud of me for recognizing as much... some folks transition well through various types of life-changes, i've been known to do that once or twice, maybe, otherwise i'm a hot-mess...
… participating in a sleep-study seems like a great, and, long overdue test, but i'd appreciate a full-blown brain scan study, not just a sleep study... maybe then you actually get to really see what's going on in my noggin... maybe then you see obvious evidence as to why some systems are dis-regulated, short-circuited... a brain-scan along with some tests that look for specific genetic-markers as well as other physical stuff... to be perfectly Frank (no offense dad), i'm sick of answering questionnaires/surveys/tests, and then health-care professionals tell me that i've got a bunch of symptoms that they clump under a severity-level of depression and anxiety, but never offering more than a shady-tree mechanic's diagnosis... no fvcking sh1t i deal with depression... helloooooooo... i've literally been telling them that, for decades, and i'm not a trained professional... so thanks for nothing for repeating back to me what i clearly already know... if my noggin is showing clear signs of something malfunctioning, how about we look at other possible physical issues... is part of my brain bruised, missing, maybe i’ve got some weird growth on something in there, or parts simply just not working anymore--like atrophy, or with little consistency?
… anyhow, i get frustrated when folks won't tell you like it is (does the title make sense now), and if they don't, then they probably don't understand it themselves, and should just tell you as much, instead of simply punting my issues down the road by offering institutional-approved chemicals instead of searching for root-cause... i'm no longer a fan of taking molecules to solve every problem, with that said, sometimes you need a little temporary-relief, but it seems like i'm going to have to advocate for some tests that VA-institutionalized folks don't seem to be interested in offering, maybe they aren't allowed to, i dunno... J. Rogan and A. Huberman have sponsors that offer some deep-dive blood panels, and i think the VA will actually do brain scans, but you might have to get on another 'study' to get one...
... you are reading this post on Substack, but on my real blog, i write with little filter, with minimally-controlled word-selection, so any mental-health professional that paid attention in class ought to be able to analyze a month's worth of my writing and tell you that i clearly present DSM for manic-depressive (or whatever they want to call it this time/edition), but no one has the fortitude, or patient-respect to offer a diagnosis, or explore to see if my condition is based simply on emotional trauma, or something that's physically observed via scans... i don't think anyone telling me that i present an awful lot of symptoms associated with bi-polar would hurt my feelings too much in telling me so… maybe they were just waiting until i became debilitated enough with some of the symptoms that it might be time to break the news to me? But that's a fascinating theory to consider, i liken it to a kid with a 'kick me' sign taped to the back of the shirt, how about showing a little love and respect people… keeping someone ignorant about important issues is just fvcking mean and disrespectful, period... it's not going to ‘disable’ me by telling me that i have some weird shitty condition... sharing knowledge, or, relevant information is actually HELPING people, keeping them ignorant, however, is literally evil, the work of the devil, or people that are in over their heads and trying to baffle you with bull-sh1t... intelligence and knowledge are tools that everyone needs to grow, and progress on the road toward self-actualization, and so is the consumption of truthful information... the problem with some medical professionals is that they assume i’m an idiot (technically i’m not), or, can't handle the truth (i crave truth and understanding), or, not worthy of sharing the truth with (something that ego-enslaved smart-asses usually think); all three reasons show a lack of intelligence on their part, or laziness, or integrity... i've had the pleasure of being cared for by some remarkable healthcare professionals, as well as folks that seemed to have lost focus of their mission... giving a patient an accurate diagnosis with educational material is helping to equip us with knowledge, which eventually deepens into wisdom, and helps us to make better choices, keeping us ignorant is to enslave...
... i could go on and on, but i started this post yesterday, and lost some sight of direction over-night, so i'm done, but, i'll leave you with this, it's an A Huberman podcast hosting Nolan Williams... Nolan is my kind of doctor/guy/dude, he's a surfer-type... some surfer-dudes have unbalanced egos, but most of them are just as chill as Dr Nolan... enjoy, and God bless. -- ct
01-31-24: ... continued from yesterday... so the 'mania' part typically manifests as insomnia, but i also get the heart palpitations, which is also called panic-attacks, the heart-rate and blood-pressure go up and everything, sometimes it manifests as anger, with some expletive-laden lesson-teaching; those things are also grouped under another thing called 'anxiety', the doctors tell me i've got some of that along with the bouts of depression, and i agree with that diagnosis, because i can physically feel the heart leap... it might be a spasm of whatever controls the lungs too, it's not all heart, that much i know for sure... the weird part is that there isn't always an 'emotional trigger' that makes the heart/lung thing spasm... i don't know what that is, and aren't super interested in doing my own research on it right now, it is what is, and i have what i have, and i am what i am; eventually i might take a dive into possible causes, because i don’t want to remain ignorant forever, but i really wish that professional healers/doctors would do that for me, i thought that was sort of their job... patients shouldn't have to do this, at least my expectations assume that i shouldn't have to do this... but, one of the blessings of the covid attack on humanity is that many people now understand many of the problems with modern western-medicine, and the failure of institutionalized doctors to think on their own, rather than tow sponsors/institutions products and SOP... i've been dealing with some chronic health conditions for decades, and it seems there is always another pill to try subdue the nasty symptoms, occasionally one will provide a brief season of relief... seems like some doctors will take your health as serious as you do, with the same level of enthusiasm as you do, some just repeat what you say to them, and aren't interested in learning what's really going on with you, which is why advocating for yourself is so important... i'd rather have a straight-shooting surfer-dude doctor like Nolan from the video link above, than an over-worked, sub-conscious driven doctor who either punts your problem down the road, or just doesn't know how to really help you but lives by the mantra 'if you can't blind them with brilliance, baffle them with bull-shit' (which is truly an idiot's commandment to life), and simply offers institutionalized-approved molecules or placebos... i'll re-iterate, one of the blessings of the covid-attack, which was released upon humanity back at the end of 2019, was that many folks now understand some of the problems that we found ourselves in with western-medicine, and the pharmaceutical/government industrial complex/partnership... anyways... i don't think i need to expand on that anymore, it's just a frustration worth noting...
... so i get the mania as insomnia/anxiety/panic-attack... and then the depression might be more obvious to anyone paying attention... let me explain something about depression to folks who don't deal with it very regularly, when you deal with it somewhat regularly you lose discernment of a healthy baseline, it’s hard to remember what ‘good’ feels like, me 'feeling regular' might actually be incredibly nasty, you almost get used to it, to some sub-par 'normal', but the insomnia feeds the depression and anxiety, as it’s very frustrating not being able to focus/concentrate, or think well when you’re dog-tired... what that means is that i might actually think i'm answering honestly if i say that i'm good, but not really thinking with any optimism. On a side-note, i’ve got another nasty problem, if i think you are a superficial egotist, or discern something negative about your intent/motive, then you won’t get much of an answer out of me whether i know the truth or not about my own condition, perhaps it’s a character-flaw...
… Some doctors recognize some of the problems, and then some decision-makers listened to them, and thought that it would be humane to consider me disabled... i don't love that word, or all of it's assumptions, i'm still quite capable of doing some good things, but not everything that i used to, and not with any regularity... but, with that said, they got it right… the insomnia makes me unreliable, as far as punctuality and performance are concerned, and i'm not good commuting more then ten or fifteen minutes—because distracted-drivers are reasonable excuses for road-rage as far as i'm concerned... and then there is the other thing, dealing with ass-holes, i have a great deal of difficulty dealing with ass-holes and predators with any grace or patience, i can suffer an idiot better than a conniving predator, or a jerk-face... there are other reasons why the doctors and decision-makers decided what they did, and most of the time it doesn't hurt my ego, but other times it's like a boot-kick to what's left of my ego's groin, whatever...
... so far, all i've done is complain, and offer some decent supporting reasons, but hey, there is some good that comes with the bad... every season of depression offers a new epiphany as the cycle ends... depression isn't just a shit-storm that blew in while you're trembling in the valley of the shadow of death... most bouts of depression end with a peace—you know—the kind that surpasses all understanding... the figurative 'spring' at the end of depression's 'winter' offers a new insight into both Creator and creation and our place in it, spiritual healing and growth, a new understanding of how you respond to uncontrollable stressors, messy stimuli, an unpredictable environment, and faulty expectations... i still don't have much of the answers, sometimes i dwell in peace, and sometimes life feels like war... i should be thankful for the gifts that come with the pain, sometimes i am... physicality, sensitivity, and understanding can be awesome gifts, and over-active brains are sometimes useful, but sometimes they are quite depressing to the recipient, and so is losing our gifts as we decline... i think the one gift that keeps me the most centered is something that's a bit hard to explain to folks who don't understand, people call it different things, i'll just call it The Holy Spirit… it's whatever happens to a person when we make a connection back with God after we have strayed... seems like my decision to 'follow God's ways and will' is about the only thing that keeps a weird guy like me somewhat functional, sometimes i do that, but other times i want — maybe even demand — my own way, and my own will, and that doesn't always turn out very well, it almost never does, so it seems... anyhow, life offers plenty of mountain-top highs, and nasty lows; it's full of bi-polar manic and depressive experiences, life offers both dopamine and cortisol spikes along with the joy, pain, sunshine, and rain... seems like it's the transitions between those spikes that are the most difficult... hopefully you don't deal with prolonged periods of mania, or depression... they both suck for various reasons, but some of it is the consequences of our sub-conscious reactions to our environment, toward other people, some is our genetics, some what we eat and drink and breathe, and some of it is spiritual-health... humans are incredibly complex eco-systems, each with our own gifts and struggles, subjected to various environmental challenges and blessings, all with different input needs to help us function well... and, as individual as we are, it’s amazing how similar we are, maybe our backgrounds, goals, and phylosiphy are… some smart folks categorized a particular number of personality-types, things that are different about people based on certain criteria; other folks categorized emotional things that people experience, a smaller number than personality-types… other folks say that we are all body, mind, and soul, all trying to interact with our environment, resources, and circumstances to the best of our abilities, with different priorities and extremes, some that are mindful of God, and others through different filters, and moral-equations
In closing, let me leave you with this… stay mindful my friends, stay mindful… ahhh, sorry, that part sounded cool before i actually wrote it, and now i sort of regret it… and, HEY You! Yes You… if you are the praying type, i just gave you a bunch of different things that you could pray for me, i could use all kinds of healing man… so thanks, and God bless. -- ct
… Alright, i’m adding this insomnia-fueled post as an update for this post… it’s now 6:56am, and after i hit the ‘update’ button, i’m going to try to get a little more sleep, grrrrrr:
02-10-24: got me one of them insomnia nights/mornings again, awake by 2:am... i know, you want to puke in your mouth, right... fortunately i don't, i'm sippin on some herbal-tea, it's something like honey/vanilla/chamomile... ohhh, you'd love it... sometimes i fill up a big ol' 16ounce mug of water, add one of those tea-bags that i just mentioned along with a lemon-ginger tea-bag, and i'll tell you what... it's like a little slice of heaven, or something else more dramatic--if you think of something better to fill in that metaphor--at least i think that's a metaphor--read more than a few posts and you'll quickly know that my writing style, distain for proper grammar and punctuation, and ignorance of technical, and more appropriate vocabulary will stand as my trade-mark faults, as far as writing is concerned, an ignorant dummy is probably a better fit for my non-writing critiques... so let's just humor the village-idiot, and call it a meta-fvcking-phore for my sake... OK... good, it's a metaphore then (for the remainder of this post, until it bothers me enough to look it up later, when i'm not typing when i should be sleeping, and maybe i won't be lazy, and make a correction... which brings me to this... wait, hold on... think i'm in one of them goofy flow-states, i could probably bable-write about anything that comes to my head, until i can't anymore, eventually i'll peter-out and try to lay-down again, until then i'll just think, and write, and probably grab another mug of tea, except i'm all out now, crap, well... i might switch to coffee, it's a bit early for beer... alright, maybe that's enough narrating... but this insomnia time seems to be a great time for creative-types, when you wake-up in the middle of the night, are relatively comfortable, but know you aren't able to fall back asleep... i think that's sort of the blessing that comes with the curse of insomnia, but i get so fricking frustrated, and determined/stubborn-fighting to try to fall back asleep, that i forget that it's possible to redeem some of this time. considering that the house is pretty silent, but for when the heat turns on, so i have to be sound-sensitive to the folks who are actually sleeping, but i love silence sometimes, when i want to adequately think i require it... silence is good when i want to read-think-write, and those are big hobbies of mine since i've been out of the work-force... hey man, if any rich folks want to bless me with something that would probably help my mental health, you can get me one of them sensory-deprivation doo-hickies, yeah man, you know, top-notch and stuff... i wonder if i could get eight-hours of the good-stuff (sleep) in one of them, maybe pump in some of that awesome sleepy music, or some nice-smellin sleepy-smells or somethin, maybe something warm up against your face--like a warm drool-towel or somethin... anyhow, i have lot's of theories as to why my sleep might suck, but i'm so bad at it that i don't even want to throw out my hypothesis for fear of shattering what's left of my ignorant-ego... but, i got a future appt with a sleep-study doctor-guy in the not-close-enough future, so i got that going for me, you know...
... but now that i like writing--which i began as a sort of outlet for frustrations a few years ago, when my physical and emotional limits were pushed right after some fvcking dick-heads thought it would be a great idea to unleash a laboratory-weaponized germ upon humanity, and then exploited the shit out of the human-made crisis for everything their creativity, and evil could contrive... don't think that some folks didn't notice what you folks did during the onslaught of the covid-war... that's much of the emotional-toll that was taken on my psyche... sort of understanding what some exceeding evil people did, that they had the evil-audacity to so, and me feeling powerless to do anything to stop any of it (see Ecl 1:16-18 for similar theory)... and none of it 'prophetically', mind you, i never saw it coming, i was completely blind-sided, my life as i knew it was pulled-out from under my feet, and it hurt my ass, and left me with an egg on the back of my head, so to speak... but, having worked for the Dod for just a few short years i learned enough about warfare, and some of the tools utilized to carry it out, and i also met some incredibly creepy people that were also employed by the DoD, never mind others who were contracted by them... and then there is the whole way my brain is sort of wired, genetics, personality-type, and all of that crap, seems that i'm a bit of a unicorn, but not in the sense used by the LGBTQ*** community, just in other respects... speaking of that, i clocked-in at an INTJ way back in the day, but now i'm pretty darn certain that i'm much closer to an intP, not a J, because i’m a slow-learner and stuff... anyhow, that stuff is kind of useful information, if you don't treat it as a horocope, but it's nice information to have as some tool of sorts, especially when things don't seem to add up, and maybe you go through a shitty season or two, seems like it helps you realize some of your strengths and weaknesses, which is great for folks who wish to dwell in reality, consider working in areas of your strengths, and what areas you might need to focus, and improve upon...
... when i'm in a pretty healthy state of mind i like to be light-hearted, maybe silly/playful, you could call it flirty or even funny maybe, and don't forget goofy--i might actually try a little stand-up, but the thought of it makes me puke, i don't like being the center of attention, i'd rather write for comics actually, but the good ones don't need writers, so there's that, and if you are a comic and want to use any of my jokes, just use them, and we'll call it good... but, that's more of what my personality is like when i'm both, in touch with reality, and enjoying--or, making the most of the moment, silly humor is probably my 'happy-place', but i also deal with some of that bi-polar depressive stuff (unfortunately self-diagnosed because doctors seem to think it's better not to just tell folks anymore, maybe it's what they do if your an adult, i dunno)... which is debilitating in the sense that the mania manifests mostly in insomnia (sometimes the heart jumps too), and the depression i think speaks for itself, for me it's like when you feel like you are the reason for every bad thing that's ever happened, and ever will happen, and feel powerless to do anything about it, or to change... that's sort of what depression is like, there is some hopelessness involved too i guess, and everyone's efforts to try to help feel insincere, and just not quite enough information to steer me back to reality... i'm pretty good at some analytical stuff, connecting dots sometimes, but the bi-polar dysregulation thing can also distort reality enough that your hormones don't quite know what the fvck to do, the upside is when most figurative cylinders are firing i can be pretty smart, with that said, unregulated intelligence is frustrating as hell, so is unregulated consciousness, but it's like they are both on dimmer switches with my hormones, and someone else is fvcking with the knob... BTW, if anyone finds an obscure dial/knob-thing laying around would you bring it to me, and don't screw it, if you crank it up too much i'll get antsy and manic, and if you mess in the other direction i'll bury myself... so NO touch, alright... potential is one thing, channeling, exercising, and maintaining it… I think it's what you wish the operator's manual included, but there was no such manual, i had to trust the folks who were entrusted in raising me to have read some manual on how to raise weird kids, and most folks don't do that, so, lucky are us unicorns...
... alright, hold on... think i need me some coffee, the tea is cold and gross, and the house is cool... yeah, i'm gonna get me a coffee, be right back...
... OK, you know what, i think this mug was a fool's errand, made in vane, to entertain the disillusioned-folly, a pipe-dream of an idea that a stimulating mug of deliciousness would be appropriate/helpful... it's a shame too, i aced the coffee to cream to sugar ratio man, it's spot on... but i just realized it's already after 6:am, and i was hoping to get back in bed to catch a bit more sleep... it’s too bad, something which might accurately be described as the perfect mug of coffee ought not be wasted on the logical/known affects of caffeine, because it's literally a frickin stimulant... good grief... and a heaping teaspoon of sugar-in-the-raw to make it a little better... those two frickin things are stupid to consume when a guy is hoping to get some shut-eye... but, guess what, i'm drinking every last bit of it... like i said, the coffee:cream:sugar ratio is great, the end result, maybe a little taste of heaven on earth, maybe, maybe... I'm gonna go read a bit, hope your Saturday is good, and not an extra-large shit-sammich, or nothin bad like that... peace. -- ct