02-02-24: it's supposed to be last-night still, but here it is... 2:22am... and i'm up, and about... 02:22 is no time to 'make a wish', i'm pretty sure the appropriate wishing moments are 11:11 (although i never tried that), so 2:22 is no time for wishing, unless it's wishing you were actually asleep at that hour... i probably am a bit asleep, maybe not, i suck at sleeping, so i'm not the one with the knowledge or credentials to suggest that i can properly define the word anymore, it seems more like a fictitious idea than a real thing... 'sleep', pssssh, right (followed by a snort-laugh)... OK, enough drama for now, there is plenty of time for complaining after the sun rises... but insomnia is a frustration that you never really get used to... i dunno, maybe some folks do...
... here's an idea for one of the papers stewing in the noggin, or maybe it's just a funny joke/bit:
... so, it finally happens... i'm sitting there, minding my own business, and BOOM, i get whacked, finished, i'm done... and--you know--i have that out of body experience, and my soul floats up past the clouds, and guess what... yeah yeah yeah, Saint Peter, standing--actually, floating--and i get all kinds of crazy excited... and, much like 'Buddy the Elf', i let loose with an unfiltered 'PETE--the fisher of men--is that really you?!?', i shouted, with, what now seems like an embarrassing amount of enthusiasm. And he starts shaking his head in some judgemental-pity sort of way while crossing his arms... so then he just tells me straight-up, not trying to sugar-coat it, or nothin... 'Yeah, ummm... look, you are clearly assuming too much, as usual… and don't expect a hug or a hand-shake either... you idiot... you're literally the poster-boy reason why re-incarnation is a thing, alright... yeah yeah, let that sink in a bit... that's right buddy, Mr. Under-Achiever... given a boat-load of potential, and what did you with it... let's just see then... ohhh, surprise surprise, sat at the back of class throwing things, and drooling over the pretty girl with the short skirt.'
... Sure enough, that's when my life passed before my eyes, and, son of a bitch, Pete was right...
… 'It seems like you aren't aware of how this all works', continued Pete... 'You were given so many years on earth, and expected to utilize a minimum of ten-percent of your personal-potential for the good of mankind--it was only twenty-percent if you ever considered self-actualizing... so, fair is fair, and guess what… you… came… up… short… Pal. (poking me in my airy-chest with each word). What, you couldn't get it right enough for ten measly-percent? It's rhetorical, so shut your trap, Mr. Three-Percenter. Now I'll give you a minute to pick up what's left of those shattered expectations from the floor/cloud/whatever, and then back you go... i'm sure you'll try harder next time, maybe be a bit more diligent and purposeful about utilizing the tools you were given for others too, not just yourself, shall we... Alright, very good... now get going before i ask Simon the Zealot to bounce you outta here, he gets ornery around you low-achiever types... go on now... toodles!'
… Man, I had no idea that Pete was so grumpy, and now i’m stuck in ‘Groundhog Day’, dammit… someone remind me to think next time.
hee Hee HEE… Critique the theology of the joke all you want to, but there's some humor in that story... and maaan, i seriously have been ‘convicted’ of some selfishness regarding use of potential, not doing enough with it... now that i'm more self-aware of the deficiency—and, in my own defense—losing some capability as we get older makes it more difficult to really know what i have left to offer, and how close to maximizing what's left of my limited and diminishing potential... too many years of goofing off, and seeking pleasure and escape... anyhow, hope you liked the bit, that you actually are using the tools and resources that you have to positively impact humanity (seems like we are all supposed to do some part, our part), and finally… that St Pete and the other Simon get a chuckle too, because, you know, those two could probably kick my ass now that i’m getting old and gimpy… but, HEY… here’s to self-actualizing, and may God use us even along the way, not just afterward. -- ct
… notice the time of that last post up there… 2:22 am… here’s another insomnia-triggered post, from by actual blog:
02-10-24: got me one of them insomnia nights/mornings again, awake by 2:am... i know, you want to puke in your mouth, right... fortunately i don't, i'm sippin on some herbal-tea, it's something like honey/vanilla/chamomile... ohhh, you'd love it... sometimes i fill up a big ol' 16ounce mug of water, add one of those tea-bags that i just mentioned along with a lemon-ginger tea-bag, and i'll tell you what... it's like a little slice of heaven, or something else more dramatic--if you think of something better to fill in that metaphor--at least i think that's a metaphor--read more than a few posts and you'll quickly know that my writing style, distain for proper grammar and punctuation, and ignorance of technical, and more appropriate vocabulary will stand as my trade-mark faults, as far as writing is concerned, an ignorant dummy is probably a better fit for my non-writing critiques... so let's just humor the village-idiot, and call it a meta-fvcking-phore for my sake... OK... good, it's a metaphore then (for the remainder of this post, until it bothers me enough to look it up later, when i'm not typing when i should be sleeping, and maybe i won't be lazy, and make a correction... which brings me to this... wait, hold on, oh boy... think i'm in one of them goofy flow-states, i could probably bable-write about anything that comes to my head, until i can't anymore, eventually i'll peter-out, and try to lay-down again, until then i'll just think, and write, and probably grab another mug of tea, except i'm all out now, crap, well... i might switch to coffee then, because it's a bit early for beer... alright, maybe that's enough narrating...
… but this insomnia time seems to be a great time for creative-types, when you wake-up in the middle of the night, are relatively comfortable, but know you aren't able to fall back asleep... i think that's sort of the blessing that comes with the curse of insomnia, but i get so fricking frustrated, and determinitive/stubborn-fighting to try to fall back asleep, that i forget that it's possible to redeem some of this time. considering that the house is pretty silent, but for when the heat turns on, so i have to be sound-sensitive to the folks who are actually sleeping, but i love silence sometimes, when i want to adequately think i require it... silence is good when i want to read-think-write, and those are big hobbies of mine since i've been out of the work-force... hey man, if any rich folks want to bless me with something that would probably help my mental health, you can get me one of them sensory-deprivation doo-hickies, yeah man, you know, top-notch and stuff... i wonder if i could get eight-hours of the good-stuff (sleep) in one of them, maybe pump in some of that awesome sleepy music, or some nice-smellin sleepy-smells or somethin, maybe something warm up against your face--like a warm drool-towel or somethin... anyhow, i have lot's of theories as to why my sleep might suck, but i'm so bad at it that i don't even want to throw out my hypothesis for fear of shattering what's left of my ignorant-ego... but, i got a future appt with a sleep-study doctor-guy in the not-close-enough future, so i got that going for me, you know...
... but now that i like writing--which i began as a sort of outlet for frustrations a few years ago, when my physical and emotional limits were pushed right after some fvcking dick-heads thought it would be a great idea to unleash a laboratory-weaponized germ upon humanity, and then exploited the shit out of the human-made crisis for everything their creativity, and evil could contrive... don't think some folks didn't notice what you folks did during the onslaught of the covid-war... that's much of the emotional-toll that was taken on my psyche... sort of understanding what some exceeding evil people did, that they had the evil-audacity to so, and me feeling powerless to do anything to stop any of it... and none of it 'prophetically', i mind you, i never saw it coming, i was completely blind-sided, my life as i knew it was pulled-out from under my feet, and it hurt my ass, and left me with an egg on the back of my head, so to speak... but, having worked for the Dod for just a few short years i learned enough about warfare, and some of the tools utilized to carry it out, and i also met some incredibly creepy people that were also employed by the DoD, never mind others who were contracted by them... and then there is the whole way my brain is sort of wired, genetics, personality-type, and all of that crap, seems that i'm a bit of a unicorn, but not in the sense used by the LGBTQ*** community, just in other respects... speaking of that, i clocked-in at an INTJ way back in the day, but now i'm pretty darn certain that i'm much closer to an intP, not a J... anyhow, that stuff is kind of useful information, if you don't treat it as a horror-scope, but it's nice information to have as some tool of sorts, especially when things don't seem to add up, and maybe you go through a shitty season or two, seems like it helps you realize some of your strengths and weaknesses, which is great for folks who wish to dwell in reality, consider working in areas of your strengths, and what areas you might need to focus, and improve upon...
... when i'm in a pretty healthy state of mind i like to be light-hearted, maybe silly/playful, you could call it flirty almost, and don't forget goofy--i might actually try a little stand-up, but the thought of it makes me puke, i don't like being the center of attention, i'd rather write for comics actually, but the good ones don't need writers, so there's that, and if you are a comic and want to use any of my jokes, just use them, and we'll call it good... but, that's more of what my personality is like when i'm both, in touch with reality, and enjoying--or, making the most of the moment, silly humor is probably my 'happy-place', but i also deal with some of that bi-polar depressive stuff (self-diagnosed because doctors seem to think it's better not to just tell folks anymore, maybe it's what they do if your an adult, i dunno)... which is debilitating in the sense that the mania manifests mostly in insomnia (sometimes the heart jumps too), and the depression i think speaks for itself, for me it's like when you feel like you are the reason for every bad thing that's ever happened, and ever will happen, and feel powerless to do anything about it, or to change... that's sort of what depression is like, there is some hopelessness involved too i guess, and everyone's efforts to try to help feel insincere, and just not quite enough information to steer me back to reality... i'm pretty good at some analytical stuff, connecting dots sometimes, but the bi-polar dysregulation thing can also distort reality enough that your hormones don't quite know what the fvck to do, the upside is when most figurative ‘cylinders are firing’ i can be pretty smart, with that said, unregulated intelligence is frustrating as hell, so is unregulated consciousness, but it's like they are both on dimmer switches with my hormones, and someone else is fvcking with the knob... BTW, if anyone finds an obscure dial/knob-thing laying around would you bring it to me, and don't screw with it, if you crank it up too much i'll get antsy and manic, and if you mess in the other direction i'll bury myself... so, NO TOUCH, alright... potential is one thing, channeling, exercising, and maintaining it, it's what you wish the operator's manual included, but there was no such manual, i had to trust the folks who were entrusted in raising me to have read some manual on how to raise weird kids, and most folks don't do that, so, lucky are us unicorns...
... alright, hold on... think i need me some coffee, the tea is cold and gross, and the house is cool... yeah, i'm gonna get me a coffee, be right back...
... OK, you know what, i think this mug was a fool's errand, made in vane, to entertain the disillusioned-folly, a pipe-dream of an idea that a stimulating mug of deliciousness would be appropriate... it's a shame too, i aced the coffee to cream to sugar ratio man, it's spot on... but i just realized it's already after 6:am, and i was hoping to get back in bed to catch a bit more sleep... something which might be accurately described as the perfect mug of coffee ought not be wasted on the logical/known affects of caffeine, it's literally a frickin stimulant... good grief... and a heaping teaspoon of sugar-in-the-raw to make it a little better... those two frickin things are stupid to consume when a guy is hoping to get some shut-eye... but, guess what, i'm drinking every last bit of it... like i said, the coffee:cream:sugar is great, the end result, maybe a little heaven on earth, maybe, maybe... I'm gonna go read a bit, hope your Saturday is good, and not like an extra-large shit-sammich, or nothin bad like that... peace. -- ct
… if you thought any of that was funny, here are a few more jokes: