Seasons of depression are like walking through life with limited eye-sight, and understanding… after every season of depression comes an epiphany of sorts, a revelation that things aren’t as bad as they were, or maybe ‘seemed’, now that the battle-field dust has settled, time and space have changed, we’ve evolved a bit more as a human… and, have come back closer to actuality/reality, and no longer imprisoned/trapped by the thoughts, and feelings that we prioritized… those which beat the crap out of us.
I had me one of them seasons, it began a few months before the covid war against humanity began, and this one lasted entirely too long, as far as i’m concerned.
Anyway… that’s just the forward/intel on where i’m going next… the project about the kid in the nursery is still evolving… so is the auto-bio that’s based on work-experience (should be funny)… and so are some other projects that i haven’t mentioned yet… my focus is back to helping other people get healthy enough to help other people again; and that’s what this one will be about.
The working draft will remain here, until it’s more complete, and maybe polished-up a bit.
… OK, change of subject…
I had forgotten about ‘personality types’, and during my season of suffering i looked back on some old tests… Myers and Briggs clocked me in at an INTJ-T about twenty something years ago. Some of those sorts of ‘tests’ can be helpful, and harmful… they can help sort through our typical nuances/difficulties; or, they can be crutches that prevent us from maturing/growing, and approaching reality. But, the sad truth is that when you read some of my work it literally screams intj-whatever. What does that mean? What does it look, read, sound like? First, a joke to demonstrate, it was part of this post:
... so, it finally happens... i'm sitting there, minding my own business, and BOOM, i get whacked, finished, i'm done... and—you know—i have that out of body experience, and my soul floats up past the clouds, and guess what... yeah yeah yeah, Saint Peter, standing—actually, floating—and i get all kinds of crazy-excited... and, much like 'Buddy the Elf', i let loose with an unfiltered 'PETE--the fisher of men--is that really YOU ?!?', i shouted, with, what now seems like an embarrassing amount of enthusiasm. And he starts shaking his head in some judgemental-pity sort of way while crossing his arms... so then he just tells me straight-up, not trying to sugar-coat it, or nothin... 'Yeah, ummm... look, you are clearly assuming too much, as usual… and don't expect a hug, or a hand-shake either... you idiot... you're literally the poster-boy reason why re-incarnation is a thing, alright... yeah yeah, let that sink in a bit... that's right buddy, Mr. Under-Achiever... given a boat-load of potential, and what did you with it... let's just see then... ohhh, surprise surprise… sat at the back of class throwing things, and drooling over the pretty girl with the short skirt.'
... Sure enough, that's when my life passed before my eyes, and, son of a bitch, Pete was right...
… 'It seems like you aren't aware of how this all works', continued Pete... 'You were given so many years on earth, and expected to utilize a minimum of ten-percent of your personal-potential for the good of mankind—it was only twenty-percent if you ever considered self-actualizing... so, fair is fair, and guess what… you… came… up… short… Pal. (poking me in my airy-chest with each word). What, you couldn't get it right enough for ten measly-percent? It's rhetorical, so shut your trap, Mr. Three-Percenter. Now I'll give you a minute to pick up what's left of those shattered expectations from the floor/cloud/whatever, and then back you go... i'm sure you'll try harder next time, maybe be a bit more diligent and purposeful about utilizing the tools you were given for others too, not just yourself, shall we... Alright, very good... now get going before i ask Simon the Zealot to bounce you outta here, he gets ornery around you low-achiever types... go on now... toodles!'
… Man, I had no idea that Pete was so grumpy, and now i’m stuck in ‘Groundhog Day’ again, dammit… someone remind me to think next time.
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End of joke… Next, a post when i was in the middle of my sh1t-storm, beginning to understand what struggles that i was dealing with, and recognized some cognitive dysfunction in others too. The actual conversations weren’t as angry as i sounded at the time, sometimes i can be unhealthy, and still extend mutual-respect… aka, LOVE. It’s got a date leading into the post, that’s what i do on my real blog, to help me look back, and reflect on the issues that i was going through, and how i look at them now. I wrote this blog entry when my mom was dying… you should notice—at the end—that i’ve regained some hope, and determination, to finish getting more healthy, and try to help others get there/theirs too:
05-04-22 later: wtf... that's sort of how the last twenty-four hours seem, at least concerning a few loved-ones... yeah man, it's been a 'wtf' sort of day or two, some highs and some lows all sprinkled in nicely, with balance and harmony... but, wtf... anyways, i didn't go through a couple of years of figurative 'hell' to let the mental-health recovery experience not be useful to others, even the ones who aren't quite ready for the help yet (pre-contemplative)… you have my attention now, and know that i know how bad things have gotten, and i will be persistent now, i'll help you fight, but a clear perception of reality has to be an end-game/goal, but i'll fight with you. with the understanding that touching/grasping/entering/experiencing/accepting ultimate-reality is where we are heading, it's only as scary and difficult as your defenses/stubbornness make it... let's take a step back… smell the fresh air.. take a look at a tree budding in early spring… can you hear the birds chirping and singing… and the rustle of a gentle breeze or the sound of the water... nice... so it goes something like this... i'm in a fvcked-up place right about now, i know it's not cool/right, and i'm sort of 'off' right now, so how do i quit knuckle-heading around and get back in the game, get with the program... i think there is a bible-thing, one of those stories from thousands of years ago about some ‘prodigal son’ that found himself in piles of pig-shit before he started to have some clarity that he had taken a bad turn in life and needed help regaining consciousness... i don't know how the story goes, look it up yourself, or ask a professional religious person, they can tell you how it goes... i don't have fancy clothes and food and shelter and celebration to offer, but i'll fvcking help when i know it's required, but you have to know that it's a challenge which requires humility and effort to get to where you can bring an A-game to life again... you can get there, you still have some sort of an A-game left in your tank... how about this time maybe consider the words and life of an old-timer named Jesus, he died pretty young, but he had some seriously good insight to share with folks that would listen... i'm going to proceed under the presumption that to embrace the gift of Jesus' sacrifice and resurrection that we all as individuals must sort of relate to being wrong about things, and know that we can get pretty fvcking weird when we get off-track in certain moral things, but understanding what was actually wrong with previous/current actions and behaviors and logic is sort of an educational and personal evolution that allows us to partake of the next step in recovery, experiencing a new life beyond our dysfunction and ego and unhealthy tendencies... understanding that we fvcked-up (again perhaps), and that we know that we fvcked-up is that whole 'knowing that we have a problem (sin?)'... i'm happy to remind you that you have a problem, and to encourage you to get off your ass already to take the next step, seeking help... you already know you have a problem, so let's get turned back in the right direction doing the things that we know are beneficial... today has been one of those 'wtf' kind of days, sometimes you find yourself in a healthy and sustainable and content lifestyle, and sometimes your eating a shit-sandwich served-up with a kick in the crotch for desert... i think God wants us to report back on all such seasons of life, he just wants us to be real... i think God is a 'personal' God who is much closer than we can really imagine, and the faster that we understand those simple ideas the more productive and efficient and thorough is the recovery, and maintenance steps... i'm here to help, but how about letting God in on the recovery effort too... the universe is calling, do you hear it's gentle voice, or is it knocking on your forehead like Biff on McFly... either way it doesn't matter to me, but you do, so i'll help fight, c'mon. -- ct
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So, you just read some typical intj-t type of writing; and much of it is like me, ministering to me… but hopefully it translates to multiple personality-types of folks, not just us weird intj-whatever types.
Look… i’m no psychologist, therapist, counselor, religious leader… or anything else for that matter… i am a Son, Husband, and Father, and that’s about it… but, i think i picked up on a few ideas/principles during my most recent sh1t-storm… and just trying to pass along some of the info, and in the vocabulary, and writing-style that i’m most comfortable with. Hope the folks that aren’t used to expletives don’t lose track of the baby in the bath-water, much of my religiousy friends don’t love my style, or choice of words… I get it, i’m far from conventional, but hopefully you understand that i’m not a complete idiot, and maybe just follow along a bit, please.
These are some of the substack posts that i’ve written, and that you’ve had access to… these are the articles that i’m going to blend, and try to pen something that might be more beneficial to folks, rather than my slurry of random posts, and topics:
https://christophernews.substack.com/p/suicide-prevention
https://christophernews.substack.com/p/trauma-vs-reality
https://christophernews.substack.com/p/an-old-blog-post
https://christophernews.substack.com/p/its-why-not-how
https://christophernews.substack.com/p/a-sermon-from-a-realist
… thank you all for your support/interest, but i expect more feedback from you; especially if you catch important things, or principles that i’m missing/forget, or otherwise, ignorant of (besides the obvious typos, and punctuation-chaos)…
If you like the idea of this project, then please pray for me… financial support is nice from those who do that, but that’s not what’s really important, getting the communication/content right/correct is. God Bless — ct